LillaWould You Like Cash For Writing Badly?
December 2nd 2006 03:00
Oh yes please I hear you say, I write terribly! Well, do you? My guess is that you may not be as good at writing badly as you think you are. In fact, writing badly is something writers from around the globe aspire too… Yes, there are professionals out there that will gobble you up for dinner when it comes to writing badly…
…what?
I’m talking about the Bulwer-Lyton Annual Awards for the worst writer of the year, which is arranged in three categories and honestly boys and girls, contains some of the best worst writing I have ever read. Not to mention some of the best ‘Bad Sex Diatribe’ that has, almost… not sizzled off the page… along with some of the best worst poetry read amongst The Great McGonagall Worlds Worse Poet Award entries to name a few… believe me, you haven’t even started to write badly enough to stand in the shadows of these writers…
Of course I’ve had a go and the truth is, you have to be very good to write very badly... it isn’t easy… amateurs be warned! Trying to write badly, reminded me of that buddhist saying; You must learn the rules properly in order to break them well …an d I realised I had to brush up on quite a few, if I was going to break these new barriers, at all!
Go on… give it a go yourself… I bet you can’t write badly at all!
Here’s were the Bulwer-Lytton Awards all began...
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
The winner of the 2006 and 24th running of the Bulwer-Lyton Fiction contest was Jim Guigli, a retired mechanical designer for the Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory. A resident of the Sacramento suburb of Carmichael, Guigli displayed appalling powers of invention by submitting sixty entries to the 2006 Contest, including one that has been "honored" in the Historical Fiction Category. "My motivation for entering the contest," he confesses, "was to find a constructive outlet for my dementia."
Guigli's winning piece went like this;
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
And for the romantic amongst you who enjoy literature of the non sensual, yet still sexual variety … connoisseurs amongst you will savoir the inspiration of this year’s worst … from writers who have dared to write sensuality as baldly as possible in The Bad Sex Writing Award section…from which, the winning passage began something like this…
Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth. She tried to make her lips move in sync with his. The next thing she knew, Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh and hoisted her leg up over his thigh. What was she to do? Was this the point she should say, "Stop!"? No, she shouldn't put it that way. It would be much cooler to say, "No, Hoyt," in an even voice, the way you would talk to a dog that insists on begging at the table.....
…what?
I’m talking about the Bulwer-Lyton Annual Awards for the worst writer of the year, which is arranged in three categories and honestly boys and girls, contains some of the best worst writing I have ever read. Not to mention some of the best ‘Bad Sex Diatribe’ that has, almost… not sizzled off the page… along with some of the best worst poetry read amongst The Great McGonagall Worlds Worse Poet Award entries to name a few… believe me, you haven’t even started to write badly enough to stand in the shadows of these writers…
Of course I’ve had a go and the truth is, you have to be very good to write very badly... it isn’t easy… amateurs be warned! Trying to write badly, reminded me of that buddhist saying; You must learn the rules properly in order to break them well …an d I realised I had to brush up on quite a few, if I was going to break these new barriers, at all!
Go on… give it a go yourself… I bet you can’t write badly at all!
Here’s were the Bulwer-Lytton Awards all began...
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
--Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)
Jim Guigli, 2006 Winner
Guigli's winning piece went like this;
Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean.
And for the romantic amongst you who enjoy literature of the non sensual, yet still sexual variety … connoisseurs amongst you will savoir the inspiration of this year’s worst … from writers who have dared to write sensuality as baldly as possible in The Bad Sex Writing Award section…from which, the winning passage began something like this…
Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth. She tried to make her lips move in sync with his. The next thing she knew, Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh and hoisted her leg up over his thigh. What was she to do? Was this the point she should say, "Stop!"? No, she shouldn't put it that way. It would be much cooler to say, "No, Hoyt," in an even voice, the way you would talk to a dog that insists on begging at the table.....
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Comment by Adrienne
Comment by Lilla
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*l-ing ol loudly* no it isn't that ..um... good!
I think there might be a rush on this one...*te he*
Lilla...
Comment by Jessicca
Learning Something Everyday
Malaysia Found
I feel that the grammar for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1830) wasn't "that bad" except the starting "It was a dark and stormy night..." that is most of the lame startings people would say...
The latter was obviously funnier.... and thus I knew about bad writing... I never really worked out to write fictions or some sort, but for the worst sex story? It was lame, really lame, like a really bad x-rated film I guess...
But I literrally laughed when I read the passage.
Great work on that. I guess it is kind of hard to write really badly...
Cheerio
Jessicca
Comment by JoshZ
So did Cervantes.
Terry Brooks is still getting away with it.
JZ
Comment by David my David
Comment by postmoderncritic
Postmodern Critic
Relativity Watch
Padsoc
This fan fiction work begins with...
Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he lived.Legolas said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.
...It's really quite impressive! ;oD
Comment by Lilla
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I think that's the point of it Jessica, the spelling has to be fairly accurate... grammer perhaps even so... but punctuation is lax and oxymorons abound, as do all the other impromptu 'baddies' like one sentence paragraphs and words that end in 'ly'... a good example of this would be ... 'the door slammed shut loudly.'
I actually think - like Adrienne - I am pretty good in this style myself! *giggle*
I hope you get a chance to read some of them, they always make me laugh so much too, especially some of the bad poetry ...
Lilla...
Comment by Lilla
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no pulling the wool over your eyes... I haven't read the authors you mention, but I think now they might be worth a look in, although a para. here and there badly written may be funny... but a whole book? I think it would tire you, no?
Have an inspired day
Lilla...
Comment by Lilla
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*l-ing ol loudly*
...your speling is atrocus...btw
*still l-ing ol*
I really think you should enter something into the 2007 round... have you read some of the poetry there? Hillarious truly... the thing that amazed me was that after reading a few pages of this stuff, I think my writing actually improved...?
Thank you for a great laugh, you brightened my day... and really, you write very well...the noval shld be a grate suces*loool*
Lilla...
Comment by Lilla
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I had written my response... and lost it just as I was about to create comment...Pah! I hate it when that happens... then my daughter interrupted and now I don't even know what page I was on.... it must be Sunday..*lol*
The jist of it was that I read your web page (thank you) and it was 'bad!' However, I felt that it was written by a 10 year old LTR fan and perhaps justified... I couldn't find the age of the author anywhere?
Thanks for leaving it... I hope you get a chance to read more of the Bulwer-Lytton stuff... some of it is pretty funny...maybe have a go yourself...?
Have a great day..
Lilla...
Comment by JoshZ
I think to write a bad book would potentially force me to kill myself. There wouldn't be much left to kill though. I would have already desecrated my soul, mind and artistic integrity.
JZ
Comment by Lilla
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I agree (although my best may be someone elses worse...)... however, the question that came to my mind when I read that, was whether the author (and the publisher) knew it was bad? Perhaps it is just a case of taste after all, although some of those 'bad sex' entries into the Bulwer-Lytton are absolutely, no-way, not knowingly bad ...*l-ing ol again* That goes for some of those poems too... does that make me a snob? I don't think so, because the author knew he was writing badly... now I am more curous than ever to read a copy or two of your suggested bad reading list (above)...
*intrigued*
Lilla...
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
This is great. And you're right, much much harder than you first think (I had a go, and then gave up....too early on a Sunday morning for me to work THAT hard).
It's the literary version of watching a car crash. I don't want to read it, and I know that it's going to disturb me....but I can't help myself. lol
KylieW
Comment by Lilla
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...glad to see you enjoying it... it is fun and as I said, my writing improved greatly... I think?
*guf-faw*
Cheers, have a magical day...
Lilla...
Comment by Patrick
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
His dandelion hand-carrots were swung into inexorable motion by the purple sun as it rankled his undies with it's catch-cry: "Pick the weeds, monkeyboy!"....very stimulating post Lilla.
Comment by Lilla
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Whoa...I think you have an entry right there..did you write that yourself... not bad!
That's an interesting new look for you... quite unequal and opposite - certainly controversial... [at least it's clean]*lol*
Glad you're enjoying the reading...Bulwer-Lytton is a great one to have marked as a favourite for when inspiration is in absentia...
Have a nice Sunday
Lilla...
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
write badly, no trouble,
sing sweetly, too sour,
chant ohm 'til I'm outomed.
where is it?
i've gone wrong?
think sex but don't do it
make love but don't do it,
rise upwardly in it,
then fall when you swim it,
how tall?, don't you measure it
it's gone and it's your fault,
the horehouse,
you'll get it,
unscrupulous morals,
pay for it
don't pray for it
who do I abuse,
she's in it
thumped as a bub,
forced into it
sexually abused as a child
don't tell me about it
i paid for it, that's all she wants
i've done it, that's what i want
because i want, i must have
hell, stuff it, it aint bad
How badly am I doing? must i do another one,
S..t no wel f...it, they're my words, don't KNOW any better?
katyzzz
Comment by Lilla
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I love it!
Wow, you must enter it into the poetry section... what d'you think... I think it's some of the best worst poetry I've read in eons... actually buggar Bulwer-Lytton I think it is good poetry..... I'd love to see you post it on your site with accompanying artwork...any chance?
*impressed*
Wow, powerful KTZ...
Lilla...
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Are you suggesting I should enter the best worst artwork competition, too?
No chance, my little butterfly.
katyzzz
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You must be soooo wealthy!
katyz
Comment by Lilla
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No no KTZ, just the words... although as I said... I thought them pretty good ... but what about a Katy-ZZZ gallery Award for the worst paint-art?
Adrian, the choice is yours and you are probably right for most of us...*chuckle* but as I said, I actually think my writing improves after reading some bulwer-lytton entries... at least my confidence in it does...
I think it's why we orble...indeed! *lol*
Lilla...
Comment by Mrs M
Mum's Word
Bloody hilarious! I could read that stuff all day.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Comment by Deorre
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Comment by Lilla
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I am glad you're enjoying it...one needs a lift in a busy day sometimes and in my opinion this is it... often ... especially when I get a bit down or unsure about my writing...
Thanks for the compliment,
Lilla...
Comment by Cibbuano
Hunt Famous
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Comment by Lilla
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...hmmm, yes, I see your point...at least now we have a guideline to writing good bad stuff...
*l-ing ol loudly again*
Lilla...
Comment by Lilla
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.. ain't that the truth....
Lilla...