LillaMarriage After Deployment Part II
November 10th 2006 13:45
To continue my post from yesterday:
As I said we spent a week with my husband's dad and step-mother (actually it was 9 days). Do keep in mind, I adore my father in law and while he is what one might call an odd bird, he is a good man who had seen his own share of hell during the year my husband was gone. He never said much to Carl or even me while Carl was in Iraq as he didn't want to put any additional worry on either of us but during that week a great deal had come out. Some concerns were clarified for both Carl and I and in the end a great deal of it had made me sad because I realized this man had been through a great deal of emotional pain during that year.
BUT, even my father in law realized something wasn't quite right. He and his wife made a point of leaving the house for several hours a few times, making it clear they would be gone for a large span of time, they were trying to give us some alone time. What Carl did with this time devastated me; he headed out for the woods to go hunting. I honestly did understand that he had lost one full hunting season and he had missed his own personal national holiday that year: Opening Day, but I was stunned that given the chance for some "alone" time, he preferred to spend it in a way that he knew I hated. While I am not anti-hunting, I am anti-seeing anything killed.
I didn't understand and at one point, I found a calling card and called my best friend. "I don't know what to do, I think my marriage is in big trouble." I told her. She tried to reassure me that he just needed time but even she admitted the behavior was very odd.
For the next several months life was a bit crazy. Our preteen daughter came home to live with us and I was more than a little overwhelmed by all the noise and lack of privacy. I came close to losing it when I realized that the chocolate Carl had picked up for me at the airport in Germany had been eaten by someone else. I had become used to buying food, etc... and having it there when I wanted it. Now, it didn't matter what I brought into the house, someone else would eat it before I had a chance to get to it. I was stressing and it took it's toll. (How it did this is another post in which I will cover soon).
I had a husband who was still loving and affectionate but there was a distinct distance between us, I was a basket case and feeling rather crowded. I didn't think any of this would ever end.
I will share some of the things we did to get our lives and our marriage back to something that resembled normal but my point of this post and the previous one is to give others some kind of realistic view of what homecoming is really like. Do not have expectations because you will likely be very disappointed. You both have your lives turned inside out when your service member leaves, but it is truly once again shaken up when they come home. It's not easy, but it is possible to regain your lives once again.
As I said we spent a week with my husband's dad and step-mother (actually it was 9 days). Do keep in mind, I adore my father in law and while he is what one might call an odd bird, he is a good man who had seen his own share of hell during the year my husband was gone. He never said much to Carl or even me while Carl was in Iraq as he didn't want to put any additional worry on either of us but during that week a great deal had come out. Some concerns were clarified for both Carl and I and in the end a great deal of it had made me sad because I realized this man had been through a great deal of emotional pain during that year.
I didn't understand and at one point, I found a calling card and called my best friend. "I don't know what to do, I think my marriage is in big trouble." I told her. She tried to reassure me that he just needed time but even she admitted the behavior was very odd.
For the next several months life was a bit crazy. Our preteen daughter came home to live with us and I was more than a little overwhelmed by all the noise and lack of privacy. I came close to losing it when I realized that the chocolate Carl had picked up for me at the airport in Germany had been eaten by someone else. I had become used to buying food, etc... and having it there when I wanted it. Now, it didn't matter what I brought into the house, someone else would eat it before I had a chance to get to it. I was stressing and it took it's toll. (How it did this is another post in which I will cover soon).
I will share some of the things we did to get our lives and our marriage back to something that resembled normal but my point of this post and the previous one is to give others some kind of realistic view of what homecoming is really like. Do not have expectations because you will likely be very disappointed. You both have your lives turned inside out when your service member leaves, but it is truly once again shaken up when they come home. It's not easy, but it is possible to regain your lives once again.
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