LillaMarriage During A Deployment
November 8th 2006 14:55
Marriage always has challenges, any relationship does, but toss a year or more apart while one is in constant danger and the other lives in constant fear of a knock on the door and it gets much, much worse.
When my husband left for Iraq it was a bit less than two months away from our eighth anniversary. We had always been the golden couple, we had the marriage that others would say "I want a marriage like yours". I have to admit, I was a bit arrogant about the whole thing because I had watched so many people take marriage much too lightly. "It takes work and committment on both sides." I would tell them as if we had a corner on that market.
To be honest, I can still be arrogant about this because I still see people throw away marriages because they are bored and often not willing to do much to change it that. Marriage does take work and it takes committment on both side to make it work and work well.
Before my husband left we held onto every possible second that we had. We basically cut ourselves off from the world visiting only with the closest friends and family members before he left. Time was precious and we were very selfish with that time; I believe with all of my heart that was the best decision we could have made.
Many military couples talk about how their relationships were strong during the seperation than it was or is any other time. There is a certain truth to this. When you live each day, knowing that tommorow is not a given and it's more than possible that it won't come at all, you tend to appreciate one another more. For couples that were extremely close before deployment though, it can have an opposite effect.
My husband and I were basically attached at the hip when he was home and suddenly we were both thrust into living alone. Niether of us took this well. I didn't sleep in our own bed for months instead I would fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
I felt very left out of his life, as there were things he couldn't tell me and at time I felt there were things he simply would not tell me. For him, I had created a life without him; I was busy with fundraisers, writing my own column for the newspaper and doing PR for a non-profit organization. I had formed a close friendship with three other women who also had men in his unit and we spent a great deal of time together, including a "girls night" every couple of months. We discovered that renting a hotel room when split four ways and adding a military discount usually cost us less than $25.00 each. I can only imagine what a shock this was for him given I have always been a loner and a homebody.
We had some very tense moments between us because we both had times when we felt as if we were no longer a part of the others life. The more I tried to make him a part of what I was doing, the worse it became. I was trying to make him feel as if all was well and I was fine without him because I didn't want him to worry. Instead I made him feel as if I didn't need him and that was never the case.
When asked for advice from others about to embark upon a marriage that is seperated by a deployment I tell them to always make sure the other knows that you need them and miss them. That does not mean hole up in the house and never come out but make it clear that you would much rather be doing the things WITH THEM. As for those in the combat zone, just remind the person at home that the only thing you really want in this world is to come home to them and even though you can't always tell them what is going on, they are always in your thoughts.
I know it sounds simple but these things get lost along the way; they make all the difference.
One added note: Slamming kitchen cupboards is an empty victory when there is nobody there to hear them slam.
When my husband left for Iraq it was a bit less than two months away from our eighth anniversary. We had always been the golden couple, we had the marriage that others would say "I want a marriage like yours". I have to admit, I was a bit arrogant about the whole thing because I had watched so many people take marriage much too lightly. "It takes work and committment on both sides." I would tell them as if we had a corner on that market.
Before my husband left we held onto every possible second that we had. We basically cut ourselves off from the world visiting only with the closest friends and family members before he left. Time was precious and we were very selfish with that time; I believe with all of my heart that was the best decision we could have made.
Many military couples talk about how their relationships were strong during the seperation than it was or is any other time. There is a certain truth to this. When you live each day, knowing that tommorow is not a given and it's more than possible that it won't come at all, you tend to appreciate one another more. For couples that were extremely close before deployment though, it can have an opposite effect.
My husband and I were basically attached at the hip when he was home and suddenly we were both thrust into living alone. Niether of us took this well. I didn't sleep in our own bed for months instead I would fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
We had some very tense moments between us because we both had times when we felt as if we were no longer a part of the others life. The more I tried to make him a part of what I was doing, the worse it became. I was trying to make him feel as if all was well and I was fine without him because I didn't want him to worry. Instead I made him feel as if I didn't need him and that was never the case.
When asked for advice from others about to embark upon a marriage that is seperated by a deployment I tell them to always make sure the other knows that you need them and miss them. That does not mean hole up in the house and never come out but make it clear that you would much rather be doing the things WITH THEM. As for those in the combat zone, just remind the person at home that the only thing you really want in this world is to come home to them and even though you can't always tell them what is going on, they are always in your thoughts.
I know it sounds simple but these things get lost along the way; they make all the difference.
One added note: Slamming kitchen cupboards is an empty victory when there is nobody there to hear them slam.
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Comment by Sandi
Hang in there, and thank your husband for doing what he's doing. Hopefully, he'll be home soon with the changes that were made yesterday in our government. The best support we can give our troops is to bring them home.
Comment by Anonymous
Not sure why this is showing me as anonymous but thanks for your comment. My husband is home now, but it was a heck of a long year.
While we have differing opinions on the state of the situation, I appreciate the thoughts, thank you.
Comment by Sandi